Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
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Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
That took me a moment.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*