My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“i miss shittin on people”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda