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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.