ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.