Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.