*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Time for evil
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK