Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.