Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
#inspiration #foodforthought
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!