TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
🤣🤣🤣
iPhone X
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?