*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
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Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”