My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Come back with a warrant
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I saw this ending much differently.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche