*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.