In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.