Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
You Might Also Like
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.