Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment