Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
You Might Also Like
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.