I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
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ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
happy valentine’s day to me
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳