As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
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NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”