I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Florida be like…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*