I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Yes, but it was never about money
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”