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my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
reduce, reuse, recycle
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.