I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Easy enough.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.