Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”