Its a hippotatomus
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Girl, same.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..