Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ