My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now