In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
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[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.