“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.