My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.