I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*