I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter