I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
🙂🙃🥹
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.