Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
A drum solo but on your face.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.