My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
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Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me as a therapist: omg same
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.