doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Ha
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Me: Same.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider