Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
won’t smith
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows