Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.