the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
When you don’t understand how floors work
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!