“I took care of your clown problem.”
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Who called it baking and not making love
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
this country is so goddamn polarized
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Anyone really
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.