My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Every damn time
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Awwwww shit.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
dutch so unserious
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!