My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.