I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.