Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
You Might Also Like
then why did i get this email
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Steam Forums
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom