I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Spring of Deception
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this