Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?