Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]