A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape