Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?