Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
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My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Many hands make light work
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.