Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.